As much as I’d love to write all about this past episode of GOT, which seems to be my happy place as of late, I have bigger things on my mind.
Things that I’ve vented out into text before, and no doubt, will again.
I scrawled out something at work…but it’s only the base of my irritation pyramid.
With my heating pad blasting away on my crinkled spine, I will begin.
I don’t know if there’s anything quite so heart breaking as being married to a man that you adore and love, but who never stands up for you. In life, surely there are; but in marriage? I’m not so sure.
It would be nice if just once I could hear him say, “2 years she gave you nothing but what you wanted and she tried her damnedest to make you happy and comfortable and safe; and the only thing you’ve been capable of was ingratitude, insolence, and deceit. What did you expect to happen after 2 years of little-to-no appreciation? Life without courtesy isn’t something anyone should have to endure.” It would be nice for him to even confront the issues in regards to not following rules that were laid before her when she, regrettably, came back into this household. Rules that she had a choice not to agree to, but did. There was no time limit on them. Not once did anyone say, “once you’re 18, you can do whatever the fuck you want”.
None of these happen. Not for me and not for anyone else, including him.
He never stands up for himself. Even when he listens, with his own ears, to her calling him stupid or making fun of something he said to her. I hate that more than I hate it for myself. Now I can see how he managed to be in a 16-year marriage with one of the worst people who could ever exist. He spent 16 years waiting for any issues to resolve themselves instead of being an adult and standing up for himself. I watch his interactions with his daughter and I see exactly how it was during his first marriage. He’d make a statement, she’d shoot him down, and he would let it go and wait for the proverbial skin to push the splinter out on it’s own.
His daughter IS his ex-wife. His problems with communication are the same, the interactions are alike.
And all the good it did.
It taught his kids how to manipulate him and shit on him while still getting whatever it is that they wanted.
I hate that he’s such a coward. I hate that the only person who can’t bully him into doing something is me even when I’m trying to get him to be a stronger person. I wonder if I’ll ever win this war? I’ve lost most of the battles and I’m not sure I want to be around for the white flag. I don’t know how I can continue living a life without a voice of my own or on my behalf.
You know what would beat it all? If he could just stand up and say, “I’m the parent. I’m the adult. I will have your respect or I will see you leave. This is the final warning and I have no obligation to house you any longer. On the next occurrence, you will find your things in the yard. I will have what I want for once. I am not your child, you are mine and as long as that’s still true, you will do what I say the first time or I will see you gone”.
…Like any of that will happen, right?
But here’s what I was thinking about on my drive home from work.
Many talks have been had between the two of them about how sorry she is for everything she’s said and done to me…to him. Not once have I heard a whisper of regret or apology. I don’t ever expect to but it’s still infuriating when you have someone sitting there telling you all about how sorry someone else is and how they really want to apologize to you but they’re too afraid.
I have spent 3 years apologizing. Apologizing for this blog, apologizing for having feelings or taking those feelings too far. I’ve spent 3 years saying I was sorry for things that I said that were truthful, but I knew that overall they weren’t appropriate.
Yes, I’m supposed to be the adult and take the higher road and set an example. But what if it’s not an example that anyone’s paying attention to? And what if you don’t have the willpower or patience to keep on the high road, no matter how hard you try?
I’m the adult, the high road should always be mine. However, I’m not the person that is going to sit back and let the monkeys at the zoo throw their shit at me. I’m going to move out of the fucking way because I will not be accountable for someone else who wants to play the big girl role too.
In all of these apologies, I’ve not received a single one. Not for anything. And if someone wants to play big girl games, then they should be able to apologize when the game goes too far. If they can’t, then they need to go back to the benches and sit it out. Saying you’re sorry to someone is as grown up as it gets. Accepting defeat and realizing that you were wrong is a big part of growing up. If you aren’t ready to do that, then you aren’t ready to sling your shit at other people.
Saying you’re sorry to someone is what separates us from the monkeys in the zoo. It’s what separates the boys from the men.
Well…among other things.